Friday, May 01, 2009

Jellyfish Bad Day

I got this over at scubadiver girls. Enjoy!!!

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.”

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Office Quote #9

"I have been involved in a number of cults-both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader."

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Sometimes, you have to look deeper...

Liege took this shot of Makenna the other day. It was hilarious. At first I said, how cute. Then I realized she had a big fat lugie (honestly, I don't know the correct spelling of lugie) dripping from her chin. It was taken with a phone, which is why the image sucks. With our camera the blowup would have even been a good image. On a different tangent, that is why I hate the multi function phones. Nobody has the camera primed and ready anymore! A lot of great and spontaneous shots are camera phones. And they suck!!! I can't complain though. I have about 12 pictures of our daughter and 100% of them were taken with my phone. My wife has taked 5399204 pictures of our daughter and less than 20% were with her phone. So I must end my complaint now because there is no personal validity to it. But I can hate camera phones in principal!!!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Makenna and Miles

Liege let me post this before her... However, since I didn't for two weeks, she went ahead and did. Any time she (Makenna, not Liege) is frustrated, unhappy, or bored, we just call Miles over (the dog if you don't know). She cheers up, and as you see, will crack up laughing at him. Even if he is just sitting there. What I have discovered, is she doesn't just love him, he loves her back. Due to my office being adjacent to the family room, I hear her noises all day. When I am with her, I focus on her noises, needs, and wants. However, the other day she was sleeping in the family room. Mom went upstairs to shower. Makenna started to cry. Because I hear this daily but continue working through it, I did the norm. I know I am a bad dad. But, then, Miles came running in my office. He came and did a couple jumps, then ran out. "What a stupid, random dog" was my first thought. Then he did it again. I got up figuring he had to go out and go potty and found him sitting at the feet of Makenna crying. He is amazing. We talked about what training we were going to have to do to get him used to her. We didn't have to do any. He loves her. Will sit at her feet and lay like he is watching over her. He will sniff her feet but only approach her other parts of the body if we are holding her and call him over. I can't believe it. I guess I am glad he was babysitting when daddy wasn't paying attention.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Office Quote #8

"When I came home, Sprinkle's body was in the freezer, where Dwight said he left her. But all my bags of frozen French fries had been clawed to shreds... Something's not right. The vet's doing an autopsy."

- Angela

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Best Blog Post Ever!!!

Unfortunately was not mine.

I met a great guy and got to spend several days (and amazing nights) with him at Re:create. His name is Jvo (ok so that is not his name). What I love about JVo is that he is just one cool dude. He spends his talents and energies for God and when you get to meet him, he is just one cool dude. Very few people get to be as real and transparent with their communities and congreation as they are with their other friends and peers (I know I can't think of any that I have been close to or worked with, but I have always believed they exist). But outside of his amazing creativity, that was the thing I found in JVO that I admired most. Wait... This wasn't supposed to be a JVO praising session, this is supposed to be a blog post. PS JVO loves a fine wine and scotch, so those that know me know I liked him imediately.

Well I have been adiment that I do not talk about work on my blog. I hate my work. It is not fun. It is not interesting. Anything I post about my work would help put myself out of a job. The more people learn about tax law, the more they think they can do them themselves. So I never post about work. However, I LOVE Turbo Tax, H&R, and all the rest. When clients tell me they are going to save some money to do it differently it is music to my ears!!! Why? Because every (and I mean every single) time they try one of these, they come back pleading for help. This allows me to fix their first attempt, and then in their eyes validates me as a service for life. So I love the Box!!!

So I guess I rambled...but here is the best blog post ever... It comes straight from JVO. That's right, a 100% copy and paste from JVO's blog.

L O S T is Like Doing my Taxes

Tonight I am doing tax prep for an appointment this week. I wish I was watching LOST. However, it isn't on tonight. Rerun. Uhhh. Here are some similarities (if you aren't a fan, you may not get it--that's okay):

1. Mystery
2. Unexplained losses
3. Feel like I've been here before
4. The numbers don't make sense
5. There's no way out of here
6. Tension.
7. I've come up with a lot of Sawyer nicknames for Uncle Sam.
8. We're screwed.
9. The "others" took Walt. Some others are taking my Wallet.
10. They have the guns!
11. Faith may have something to do with it, but there sure seems to be a lot of chance.
12. Some documents are missing
13. We have to claim our cruise as extra income from Tahni’s company. I want to go back to the island. It is my destiny.
14. I lost a child this year. Well, kinda. She got married. No more deduction.
15. It feels like one big con.
16. I’m getting a bloody nose.
17. This is like being tortured on some level.
18. I may have to lie to save us all.
19. I am thinking about claiming a child that is not my own.
20. The pain is so great, I have taken to drinking.
21. One minute it was all here. The next it was gone.
22. I’ve thought about hopping on a plane to nowhere.
23. I’ve thought of changing my name.
24. If I don’t enter these numbers, will the world “really” end?
25. I really didn’t anticipate this much math.
26. I’m hoping for a second chance. Or retribution.
27. I’ve never seen Uncle Sam. Jacob?
28. Not a lot of answers.
29. I’m tired of repeats.
30. More questions. More questions.
31. I have to keep referring to the forums.
32. Is that hieroglyphics?
33. John Locke gave up a kidney. I may sell mine.
34. I’m kinda losing my tail section.
35. I keep saying, “What?”
36. I’m pretty sure there’s one rich guy pulling the strings.
37. Some have suggested this is purgatory but it isn’t.
38. I’m going crazy and hearing voices in my head.
39. “You all everybody” have to do yours as well.
40. I wish I still had my VW bus. I did a 1040ez back then.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Office Quote #7

"I've always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start-no debts, no baggage. I've already got my name picked out. Lord Rupert Everton. I'm a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs. That's the life."