Friday, May 01, 2009

Jellyfish Bad Day

I got this over at scubadiver girls. Enjoy!!!

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.”

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Office Quote #9

"I have been involved in a number of cults-both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader."

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Sometimes, you have to look deeper...

Liege took this shot of Makenna the other day. It was hilarious. At first I said, how cute. Then I realized she had a big fat lugie (honestly, I don't know the correct spelling of lugie) dripping from her chin. It was taken with a phone, which is why the image sucks. With our camera the blowup would have even been a good image. On a different tangent, that is why I hate the multi function phones. Nobody has the camera primed and ready anymore! A lot of great and spontaneous shots are camera phones. And they suck!!! I can't complain though. I have about 12 pictures of our daughter and 100% of them were taken with my phone. My wife has taked 5399204 pictures of our daughter and less than 20% were with her phone. So I must end my complaint now because there is no personal validity to it. But I can hate camera phones in principal!!!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Makenna and Miles

Liege let me post this before her... However, since I didn't for two weeks, she went ahead and did. Any time she (Makenna, not Liege) is frustrated, unhappy, or bored, we just call Miles over (the dog if you don't know). She cheers up, and as you see, will crack up laughing at him. Even if he is just sitting there. What I have discovered, is she doesn't just love him, he loves her back. Due to my office being adjacent to the family room, I hear her noises all day. When I am with her, I focus on her noises, needs, and wants. However, the other day she was sleeping in the family room. Mom went upstairs to shower. Makenna started to cry. Because I hear this daily but continue working through it, I did the norm. I know I am a bad dad. But, then, Miles came running in my office. He came and did a couple jumps, then ran out. "What a stupid, random dog" was my first thought. Then he did it again. I got up figuring he had to go out and go potty and found him sitting at the feet of Makenna crying. He is amazing. We talked about what training we were going to have to do to get him used to her. We didn't have to do any. He loves her. Will sit at her feet and lay like he is watching over her. He will sniff her feet but only approach her other parts of the body if we are holding her and call him over. I can't believe it. I guess I am glad he was babysitting when daddy wasn't paying attention.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Office Quote #8

"When I came home, Sprinkle's body was in the freezer, where Dwight said he left her. But all my bags of frozen French fries had been clawed to shreds... Something's not right. The vet's doing an autopsy."

- Angela

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Best Blog Post Ever!!!

Unfortunately was not mine.

I met a great guy and got to spend several days (and amazing nights) with him at Re:create. His name is Jvo (ok so that is not his name). What I love about JVo is that he is just one cool dude. He spends his talents and energies for God and when you get to meet him, he is just one cool dude. Very few people get to be as real and transparent with their communities and congreation as they are with their other friends and peers (I know I can't think of any that I have been close to or worked with, but I have always believed they exist). But outside of his amazing creativity, that was the thing I found in JVO that I admired most. Wait... This wasn't supposed to be a JVO praising session, this is supposed to be a blog post. PS JVO loves a fine wine and scotch, so those that know me know I liked him imediately.

Well I have been adiment that I do not talk about work on my blog. I hate my work. It is not fun. It is not interesting. Anything I post about my work would help put myself out of a job. The more people learn about tax law, the more they think they can do them themselves. So I never post about work. However, I LOVE Turbo Tax, H&R, and all the rest. When clients tell me they are going to save some money to do it differently it is music to my ears!!! Why? Because every (and I mean every single) time they try one of these, they come back pleading for help. This allows me to fix their first attempt, and then in their eyes validates me as a service for life. So I love the Box!!!

So I guess I rambled...but here is the best blog post ever... It comes straight from JVO. That's right, a 100% copy and paste from JVO's blog.

L O S T is Like Doing my Taxes

Tonight I am doing tax prep for an appointment this week. I wish I was watching LOST. However, it isn't on tonight. Rerun. Uhhh. Here are some similarities (if you aren't a fan, you may not get it--that's okay):

1. Mystery
2. Unexplained losses
3. Feel like I've been here before
4. The numbers don't make sense
5. There's no way out of here
6. Tension.
7. I've come up with a lot of Sawyer nicknames for Uncle Sam.
8. We're screwed.
9. The "others" took Walt. Some others are taking my Wallet.
10. They have the guns!
11. Faith may have something to do with it, but there sure seems to be a lot of chance.
12. Some documents are missing
13. We have to claim our cruise as extra income from Tahni’s company. I want to go back to the island. It is my destiny.
14. I lost a child this year. Well, kinda. She got married. No more deduction.
15. It feels like one big con.
16. I’m getting a bloody nose.
17. This is like being tortured on some level.
18. I may have to lie to save us all.
19. I am thinking about claiming a child that is not my own.
20. The pain is so great, I have taken to drinking.
21. One minute it was all here. The next it was gone.
22. I’ve thought about hopping on a plane to nowhere.
23. I’ve thought of changing my name.
24. If I don’t enter these numbers, will the world “really” end?
25. I really didn’t anticipate this much math.
26. I’m hoping for a second chance. Or retribution.
27. I’ve never seen Uncle Sam. Jacob?
28. Not a lot of answers.
29. I’m tired of repeats.
30. More questions. More questions.
31. I have to keep referring to the forums.
32. Is that hieroglyphics?
33. John Locke gave up a kidney. I may sell mine.
34. I’m kinda losing my tail section.
35. I keep saying, “What?”
36. I’m pretty sure there’s one rich guy pulling the strings.
37. Some have suggested this is purgatory but it isn’t.
38. I’m going crazy and hearing voices in my head.
39. “You all everybody” have to do yours as well.
40. I wish I still had my VW bus. I did a 1040ez back then.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Office Quote #7

"I've always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start-no debts, no baggage. I've already got my name picked out. Lord Rupert Everton. I'm a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs. That's the life."


Friday, February 27, 2009

If You Watch Lost...

You will love this video of Sayid's standup. If you don't watch Lost, don't waste your time watching this. You won't get it.

HT JVo's blog Vertizontal

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Office Quote #6

"As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of its misery. With teh electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what's unethical."


Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Why I don't blog.

The reason's why I don't blog regularly:

The reason's why I don't blog regularly are simple. The most things I, in my heart, want to blog about, most people don't want to read (or the people who actually come here). I let my blog lay dormant most of the time. I most often want to blog about an amazing wine experience or a great diving experience. This is the reason I originally titled my blog "dive n wine". Why do I want to blog about these things??? I don't have any good friends that enjoy wine. I don't have any friends that enjoy diving. So this could be my outlet in sharing about these things that I don't have anyone in my life with to really converse with and share like I would like to be able to.

The problem is, no one out there cares either. The only time I really get love or comments is when I post pics of my daughter. I don't do this very often. My wife does though.

It was a rude awakening that most people that come here could care less about the things I created this to be about, in which I don't have someone in my life to share about. The reason I don't share the pics of my daughter more often, or other trivial things, is I have people to share those things with (the ones in our daily lives). I believe that I have the social and networking skills to turn my blog into a social empire. I don't want that either. I don't want this to be a thing that's purpose is to serve my ego. This blog was never meant to change the world. It was designed as an outlet.

I don't want my blog to be about self promotion. You never hear tax talk cauz I don't want to try and gain business on it. You don't hear endless paragraphs of self revelation, because they are often jumbled in my head and there are countless blogs devoted to such things.

So what will this blog become? I don't know?

So I guess I am asking the few readers that routinely come here. What do you enjoy? What do you want to read? Cauz if it is just an online journal for myself, I can do that in my own book on my nightstand without having to post pictures. What would you want to hear, see, or read about from me?

Seriously? What?

Amazing Wine Night...Break from Taxes

Last Wednesday, I decided to take the afternoon off from work. I have been in my hole doing tax returns constantly lately. I know my wife was longing for some time together, and so was I. We went down to Old Town Clovis to watch the Amgen Tour of California go flying by to the finish. It was kinda cool. I had to go to church, but we made plans to go to Trelio for a nice dinner afterwards.

Everyone knows how much I like Trelio. It is hands down the best food and wine of any restaurant in Fresno or Clovis. But this post will not be about that (because I have posted about it so much before).
When we arrived, there were no open tables. Chris told us to come anytime after 8 because one of the team's and the organizers of the Clovis leg of the amgen were having a party from 4-7. Well I guess they were having quite the time and all stayed for dinner. Chris convinced us not to leave and made settings for us at the wine bar. So we stayed.
After all the quite drunken people left (remember they had been there since 4) around 9:30, we were able to finish our meal in peace. Great meal, paired with a Freeman Pinot Noir.
A man sat down at the bar and pulled a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. He poured Chris (the owner at Trelio) a taste. He turned to us asking if we would like a taste. How polite. So we partook with them. It was great.
A little while later his bag was empty and there were 8 of his wines on the wine bar in which we were able to taste all of them. We got to know this strange man (or an angel sent to Trelio to us). His name is Russell Bevan. Russell is now the winemaker for Showket Vineyards (one of my napa Fav's) and has his own wines as well (Bevan Cellars). Russell poured me some of the best Cabernet Sauvignon's and Syrahs I have ever tasted (and that is saying something since those are the two main varietals I drink). Not only were his wines great, he is just a cool guy. He had his label, some Showket, and some wines he had made for some other projects. Hopefully Trelio has an "in" for his wines now. They are only in a few high end boutiques in NY and a few restaurants in NY. Trelio will be the first one to carry them in CA (yes I know they are from CA). Then came the sucky part. I wanted to know what I could purchase (well what Trelio could get and I could buy from them). Nothing. What we tasted were some of his own personal library wines that he had less than 1 case of each of. The Shoket's hadn't been released yet!!! What a tease. But we tasted several different vintages, and I know anything he does will be quality. I look forward to the futures we will get!!!!
A cool thing Russell is doing with his label: All of his wines have a unique bottle code on the back label. You can text that code to a number, and you will receive all info about the wine. It's making, tasting notes, everything!!! How sweet is that. You know how many times I am struggling in a restaurant on my phone trying to find info and tasting notes of a wine. That is SWEET!!!!

Anyway, it was one of the best wine experiences of my life. We didn't leave Trelio until 2am. Liege, Makenna, myself, and Russell were the only ones there from 10-2. How often do you get to spend that type of quality time with such an amazing winemaker??? What a night. I think part of what makes it so special, is that it was so unexpected!!! I hadn't signed up for a winemaker dinner event, I hadn't planned a tasting. We were just going to dinner, and this amazing event happened out of nowhere. SWEEET!!! DOUBLE SWEEET!!!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Office Quote #5

"Yes, money has been a little bit tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I going to be thinking about how much money I have? No. I;m going to be thinking about how many friends that I have. And my children. And my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht so I obviously did pretty well money wise."


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

V-Day Wine Tasting

On Valentines day, my lovely wife and I went with some people wine tasting. There was an event from Fresno Wines called "Fresno Wine and Chocolate Weekend," or something like that. The problem is, I have had some amazing local wines. So I thought I would give these Fresno guys a try. We got a limo (a cool Hummer Limo) and hit the tour. There is only one time I have had so much crappy wine in my life. We did a Texas wine tasting event. Ever have any good wine from Texas? I didn't think so. This wasn't any better. I couldn't identify any varietals, and most were just flat out undrinkable. The chocolate part of the event is some tasting rooms had m&m's or hershey kisses out. Yeah!
Well after all of this, I stumbled on one table that wasn't part of the winery we were at. All three of his wines seemed amazing to me. He had a Grenache, Tempranillo, and a Cab Sav. However, I was not sure that it just seemed good because I had so much garbage before. Like finding a piece of coal in a pile of cow dung (I have no idea why that is the illustration that came to my mind while trying to think of an example of something that isn't that great, but can seem great when compared next to something absolutely awful). But, I was right. There wines are great. The winemaker is Stewart Epstein of Sunfire Estate. Great wines. The problem, not Fresno fruit. He just makes and cellars the wine in Fresno. So it isn't exactly Fresno wines.

So I have learned my lesson. There are some great wines grown somewhat locally, but none on the valley floor. Guys, if the only acreage you can afford is on the valley floor, MAKE RAISINS!!! If I decide to go tasting some "local wines" I will stick to the few gems in Madera and Mariposa Counties. Or take the drive to the other excellent wine regions in CA.
Nothing Great is grown on the valley floor, but I am glad I have found things that are made on the Valley Floor. Sunfire is a great find!!! The pic is of me talking with Stewart, the winemaker of Sunfire.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Office Quote #4

"I think it's great that the company is making a commercial. Because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers, or muffins, or mittens, or.... And frankly, all of those sound better than paper, so I let is slide."


WOW!!! Phoenix on Letterman

Well I knew it wouldn't actually last long. I wonder how many people CBS is paying right now to go and take down their you tube videos. If I was CBS, I would love this attention. Remember when Hugh Grant went on Leno and forever took over the ratings from Letterman? Well this could get it back. If this gets circulated everywhere Letterman could probably get some love from the Leno types. But no, CBS doesn't think that way. I don't know why. So this video no longer works...

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Office Quote #3

"So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he's a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton I'm still top dog in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss, the dog, or a fish?"


Monday, February 02, 2009

Recreate Conference PreGame

This week I am at the recreate conference in Franklin, TN just outside of Nashville. I have wanted to come here for several years. There will be more to come for sure. Here is a little video of the pre conference action. I traveled with Pat, and Randy drove up from GA to hang out with us Sat night and Super Bowl Sunday. If you think you are too busy to watch 9 minutes of video, I guess I will understand. However, EVERYONE should at least pick it up at the 5:25 mark. I promise you Randy will not disappoint. (PS, some of my music decided to not upload with the video, but I am not going to redo it. Just know that the original is cooler with cool tunes)

Church Visit

Today in Nashville, I went to service at Cross Point Church. I met this guy, who is now on staff at Cross Point. The service was amazing! No pinching of tits though.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Office Quote #2

"My girlfriend and I broke up recently and I must say I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition where when the male has sex with another woman he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats, left on his doorstep by his parents. You can use those oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care, they're your oats."


This is a Post

Only for the reason of checking my RSS settings. Hopefully it isn't your favorite post on my blog.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Tax Season

I saw this on my Buddy Scott's blog.  As many know I am a tax man.  Not the bad kind taking your taxes, the good kind trying to have you pay as little as legally possible.  As we begin tax season this is a good video to lift our spirits!!!

Embedded Video

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Customer Service Problems

If you are like me it seems like I always have to talk to "customer service" with a problem. It seems businesses now aday never come through with what they promise. This leads to customer service reps who haven't a clue trying to make excuses or convince you that everything is ok.

Well I was lied to, yet again, by a popular company:

Dear Apple,

I have been so happy with your products and services when buying my iMac and my wife's MacBook Pro that I decided to buy a MacBook. I placed an order on your website. I placed this order on Sunday January 25. I know you do not process orders on Sunday because you warned me before I confirmed the purchase. You told me you would process my order within 3-5 business days and then ship it. You told me I could expect my product to come between Feb. 2 and 4. However, I then received an email on Monday Jan. 26 at 5:12PM that my order was processed and would move to shipping. On Tuesday Jan. 27 the doorbell rang at 11:29 AM with my product. This is more than a week in earlier then what you had told me. Now I am going to have to stay up late and play with my new toy because I wasn't prepared to receive it until next week.


Thursday, January 22, 2009

Office Thursday

I love "The Office." It is my third favorite show in television history (behind Seinfeld and The West Wing, those of you who are wondering, 24 is 4th). I don't work in an office. I work by myself in my house. So I don't get to share the office at the office. So I will blog it. Let's see how well I do. I will attempt to every Thursday put up a favorite quote from "The Office."

Office Quote #1:

"Ever since I was a kid, people have been telling me that I can't do things. You can't be on the team, you can't move on to second grade. Well, now they're telling me that I can't win back clients using old-fashioned business methods. We'll see about that. And FYI, I eventually aced second grade, and I was the biggest kid in class."


Horrible and Disappointing Future

I think often how disappointed I am in my future...which is actually my present. Thinking about the present, which is the future I imagined in the past. Anyone still with me?

I remember watching Back the the Future Part II in the movie theater in 1989. Those of you that don't remember, the future that Marty visited was 2015. Conversations broke out among my class mates at school after we all saw the movie. We were hoping those flying cars would be around by the time we got our drivers licenses! But most of all, we kept checking stores for Hover Boards. It has been 20 years now, and no hover board, or flying car. I am very disappointed. We are only 6 years away from the the 2015 as envisioned by Robery Zemeckis in the movie. Needless to say, I am very disappointed. I think too much research and development has gone in to how to make our portable music players more efficient and not enough engineering getting to what we reallly need... Hover Boards and Flying Cars!!!

Well, there might be hope. I read this article this morning. I guess it might be a good next step. Now can someone get on the little pills that your put in the microwave that turn into gourmet meals as seen on the Jetsons???

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Obama Video

I don't usually post funny videos. I usually don't repost things I find on other blogs. I figure my few readers are all connected. But this is for the few that may not go to my buddy pat's blog. He posted it and this is hilarious. Now I wonder if anyone might be able to edit a clip together of him doing "Baby Got Back???"

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Save The Date...Feb. 28th

Before I began diving I could care less about Corral Reefs or aquatic life. However, after numerous trips to encounter various species in their environment, my feelings on the subject have changed. There are millions (yeah millions) of spectacular different species of God's Creation that leave you in a state of amazement at his truly creative and artistic qualities.
Those of you in the Fresno area, may not know there is an aquarium in the works here. The Aquarius Aquarium Institute is going to bring awareness, and education of the aquatic world. It will also focus on our local auatic environments. Many say: What local aquatic environments? That is exactly why they are needed and will make a huge impact!
Project AWARE is an organization PADI started (which is who I am certified as an instructor through) that does all sorts of things with conservation and awareness of the world's aquatic environments. They sponsor many local events as well.
Aquarius Aquarium Institute and Aquasports are assisting in putting on a Project Aware event. It is going to take place Feb. 28th from 9am to noon. We will be doing a cleanup of the San Juaquin River next to the future aquarium site near 99 and Herndon. We need people of all ages to come out and take part. There will be a few divers cleaning up the river and pools, but the majority of volunteers will be picking up trash that is all around the river and surrounding areas. Please help out! Save the date, and more info to come.

No Blogging

So it has been over 3 weeks since I have blogged. There are several reasons. 1 of those weeks I was sick and did nothing. The main reason is, I update my life 140 characters at a time on twitter. I could go into detail on my blog, but I usually don't. I don't post funny youtube videos I find, I only blog when I think I have something worth blogging about that people would want to read. I could post endless pics and updates about my daughter, but my wife takes care of that, and my daughter even has her own blog. So I guess there have been plenty of "blogworthy" things in the past month, but I have learned if I don't blog them right away, I won't. So I will see if I am more disciplined.